Amanda Howe
Speaking from personal experience,
I know what it’s like to be addicted to a cell phone. I’ll admit it; I have
walked into people because I was looking down at my phone. And without looking
up from my phone, I just said, “I’m sorry” like a monotone robot, and continued
walking. You know you’ve done it too. But have you ever stopped to think about
what you did when you signed that little contract that binds you to a device
for two years? Kayla Martinez said, “It’s like my little escape from reality.”
Except it has become our reality. But if you can’t beat them (and you can’t),
join them.
1)
Acquire a cellular device. You can go to Verizon,
Sprint, AT&T, etc. As long as the phone has an App Store or Google Play,
you’re fine. Make sure you sign the contract for unlimited data so you can
continue on to the next step.
2)
Now that you have your device, you must decorate it
as if it defines your life. Go all out, but take your time picking out just the
right case. If you get the wrong bedazzled pink, the other “individuals” might
think less of you. If you’re really into a certain show or band, make sure you
get a case that has every nanometer covered in their logo or emblem. Some
people go for the flashy 3D cases, but make sure you search the depths of your
personality before going for this because it can backfire.
3)
You officially own the device that defines your
entire status in high school. Congratulations! You’ve decorated the outside,
but you haven’t even started on the inside. Throw all those pointless mandatory
apps like Phone and Calculator into a folder and get ready to fill up your storage.
Make sure you start by downloading the social media that is so integral to your
being, you would die without it. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are the musts,
but you can branch out and download tumblr or Vine, if you need more updates on
your friends eating habits. Warning: downloading MySpace will lead to the
removal of your device from your custody by force. Music is another big deal.
If you have less than 1,000 songs, you might as well return your phone now.
4)
After you’ve filled up your first page with social
media, you get a little free will in the area of entertainment. You can choose
to be the gamer, with Angry Birds and Candy Crush Saga dominating your screen
time. Or maybe you’re the reader, with Kindle and Newstand down in your top
four. Movie lovers don’t panic. Fandango and IMDb have apps that can keep you
updated on new releases and your favorite actress. Whatever you choose, make
sure to get all the free apps in that category so you can keep yourself
immersed in the digital world and out of the real one.
5)
Finally, you have your device all set up to your
liking. This last step is the most important. Stare at it. The first thing you
should do upon waking up is swipe the alarm and put in your pass code. After
this, it should be practically impossible to tear your eyes away from its
glowing beauty. Don’t worry if you’re clumsy at first. Your thumbs will soon be
gliding across your screen protector as if they were created for this purpose
alone. Ignore everything when you hear that sweet, pulsating buzz of your
notifications. Once you’ve trained yourself well enough, the device will barely
leave your palm throughout the day. You have officially succeeded in selling
your soul to a mini-computer. Now go forth and avoid verbal communication.
