Jien Ogawa
Here at Colonie High School, we have exactly four minutes between classes to
push and shove our ways through the crowded hallways blocked by meandering misfits
and that one girl who simply must reach across the entire hallway to grab her
boyfriend’s hand. Sometimes, if our next class is across the entire school, for example,
going to math or Biology from English class, the traffic in the halls can threaten to make
us late for class. Some don’t care, but for those that do, here is a little tutorial on the
secrets of the hallway. Take it from a speedwalking senior - they work.
● How to exit the classroom:
If your class is in the next wing over, or downstairs from your current
class, you have two options. If you want to get to class quickly, you can leave the
moment the bell rings and speedwalk to your next class, thereby decreasing
hallway traffic by arriving early. If you don’t care, relax, take your time leaving,
and just go with the flow of traffic. You’ll get there on time even with the
obstructions in the hallway.
If your class is across the length of the school (in any direction) and you’re
worried about getting there on time, get out of the classroom as soon as the bell
rings if possible.
● How to navigate hall traffic when you’re in a rush:
If you see any space at all to squeeze in between people in a way that won’t
disturb them, do it. It’s kind of like switching between lanes on a crowded
highway, except less life-threatening and much, much more noisy. Stay as close to
the middle of the hallway as possible without leaving the right side. If you’re close
to the wall, it will be easier for people to cut you off. Don’t hug the inside corner
when you’re making a turn; you might bump into someone, slowing both of you
down.
● How to deal with that one jerk who spontaneously cuts across everyone to talk to
his friend going in the opposite direction:
Don’t. There isn't much you can do about it. But feel free to give him a
dirty look.
● How to react to that one person who decides to reach across the entire hallway to
grab their boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s hand:
Feel free to walk straight into their arms. One of two things will happen.
Either they will both let go, or they won’t. If they let go, problem solved. If they
don’t, feel free to pull them into an incredibly awkward group hug. If they live to
tell the tale, horror stories of your third wheeling will spread like wildfire until
couples tremble in your presence, cowerin-- I mean it will eventually stop.
● How to enter your classroom:
If you’re outside your classroom, the hallways are still crowded, and you
have time before the bell rings, wait until a reasonable space opens between
people; don’t just push your way through. Once such a space appears, you may
charge into your classroom. Congratulations, your adventure is concluded.
